A lovely problem to have

Ow. Lady Bite Me.

2010-08-18T19:44:00.001-07:00

My eldest child has beautiful brown skin that has deep tones of chocolate and hints of warm cinnamon. She is now at the stage where she is noticing skin color and refers to her own skin as "chocolate." It is something she is fiercely proud of, and likes to announce it to strangers and passers-by, much in the same way that a child would announce that she was wearing new shoes.

Today at the store, my daughter did this very thing, telling a woman who had stopped to say hi, "I chocolate." Usually people say, "Yes! So pretty!" or something like that. But today, the woman said, "Oh, that's OK, honey. It is still a pretty color." And she points to her own very tanned, almost paprika-hued skin and said, "Look, I'm white." My daughter looked very quizzically at her because, so far, in her world, white is a crayon in a box and it looks nothing like this woman's skin. Then, the woman reached out to my daughter with an extended index finger and scratched a little on her arm as she walked away. "Ow. Lady bite me," she said.

I still don't know what to make of the whole scenario and so I'm just putting it out there to share. My daughter said nothing to indicate that she was apologizing for the color of her skin. She was using a happy voice and had an open, engaged expression. I was most bothered by her telling my daughter, "Oh, it's OK, honey. It is still a pretty color" as if my daughter was announcing her skin color wasn't good or pretty or nice. She was just announcing her shade of brown and how the woman chose to respond is...well...interesting. Additionally, if you're trying to talk skin tone with a two year old, it is better to use descriptors that more accurately describe colors. Chocolate, vanilla, peach, french toast, butterscotch, caramel. We are all beautifully and wonderfully made.

PS Check out The Colors of Us by Karen Katz. It celebrates some of the delicious colors we see!

{a thousand words}

2010-06-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

CSA

2010-05-26T23:56:00.000-07:00

A CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) is like a share in a farm. Farmers offer a certain number of shares, and people can buy one or more of those shares and receive a share of the harvest during farming season. Some farmers augment their deliveries with goods from other farms, others do not. Some CSAs allow you to choose what you receive in your box week-to-week, others do not.
Our CSA describes itself as a "culinary adventure," which is a nice way of saying you don't get to pick what you get. I thought I might share some of our "culinary adventure" with you. I actually do like getting produce that I normally would not buy. It seems I want to use every last bit of the produce and find new favorite recipes that way.
Like you would expect, the yields begin rather small and expand as fruits and vegetables grow into season, then wane again as the harvesting year comes to a close. The top picture is from week 1, the bottom is from this week (week 3). I have some baby bok choy that I need to figure out what to do with, but otherwise everything is already spoken for!

If you haven't already, check out www.localharvest.org to find a CSA in your area!

Marbleized Paper Craft

2010-04-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

I once attempted a craft blog, but managing one blog seems plenty for me, let alone two! So, I may periodically share a craft idea for kiddos here. I do love doing crafts with my girls, so when I come across something fun, I like to share it with you! (Although, to be clear, "crafting" with toddlers is much more about the process than the product!)

And a big "thank you!" to the preschool teacher, Susan, who shared this idea at a recent training for (bleary-eyed) parents of young toddlers.

Materials:
Food coloring or Liquid Watercolor in assorted colors
Shaving Cream
Hair Pick, Fork or other tool with tines
Paper (white copy paper works well)
Spatula or Paint Scraper
Tray (optional -helps contain the mess)

Process (invite your child to participate in as much of the process as appropriate for their age and interest):
Spread the shaving cream over the tray
Sprinkle food coloring or liquid watercolor on top of the shaving cream
Use the pick or fork to swirl color around
Lay the paper down on top of the color. Don't immerse, just lay on top and press gently
Lift paper and lay it down on a solid surface
Scrape off excess shaving cream

Voila! You have beautiful, marbleized paper!

Love Made Visible

2010-04-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today the dishes didn't bother me. Neither did the laundry. Tidying up after the children was enjoyable. Except for a minor mishap at dinnertime, food prep was fun. Craft time went by without a major incident or need for pressure washing. It is 9:00 and the dishwasher is humming, the laundry is churning, the floors are free from stray toys, books are on shelves, and life is pretty sweet. What made the difference? This:

Homemaking is small gestures of usefulness and compassion; love made visible.
~ adapted/paraphrased from Shea Darian in Seven Times the Sun (1994) p. 80-81

Love made visible. Because of this reframing, my outlook has changed dramatically and it has made an enormous difference in our day. I hope it helps yours, too.

{A Thousand Words}

2010-03-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

I love the 'Wordless Wednesday' posts from Interrupted Wa nderlust and {this moment} from Soule Mama. So, I think I'll try my hand at it. Here is my first attempt. (Though I have failed already because I typed. It won't happen again - I promise, but I think it needed a little explanation.) Thank you to Kristi for the original idea and to Soule Mama for the little { } doohickeys.

Easter Plans

2010-03-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

As time goes by, I'm trying to decrease the total number of toys my children have, as well as increase the percentage of toys that are made from natural materials and encourage creative play. At present, I have two bags stuffed with toys for the Goodwill, so I have a little room for getting some quality in there. For Easter this year, the girls are going to get some handmade (felted) play food for their little kitchen. An artisan at Etsy has some great items, plus on sale, so I had to nab a few (see above pics). Hopefully there are some left over for you!

above image is from Simple Mama on Flickr

I'm also trying my hand at needle felting and will (maybe) have created some Easter eggs for their baskets. There is a great tutorial here. I plan on making a few of these plain to add to their felt food. If you don't feel like making them yourself, try these.

Meanwhile...wish me luck!

Cloth Diaper Delight...plus Rockin' Green Diaper Detergent Giveaway

2010-03-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

(Above) Fluffy Love

At this moment, I have a load of cloth diapers in the wash. They are whirling, swirling, and splashing their way to being clean. Soon I'll put them in the dryer and they'll be as good as new. There is a special delight to opening the dryer and finding warm, clean fluff.

One of the huge questions I had when I started cloth diapering was, "What detergent should I be using?" Honestly, every cloth diapering parent seems to have a different answer to that question. I truly think your machine, your water, and your child's skin all come into play and influence the detergents in different ways. I've tried several: Tide (liquid), Country Save, Ecos, and Ecover. Tide works really well for me and that is what is in the wash at this moment. Country Save is great, too, and I would use it again. Ecos is a no-no because it has fabric softener built into it and I don't want that on the dipaers. Ecover left burns on my little B's bootie.

Of course, I'm always open to trying new detergents, so I was happy to see that Banana Peels Diapers is having a giveaway of HARD ROCK Cloth Diaper Detergent, from Rockin' Green. I'm especially excited about it because we have hard water (which is why Ecover didn't work well - normally it is a slam-dunk) and this detergent says it was designed for hard water. However, I have never tried it myself and can't comment on its effectiveness with B's diapers/skin and my washer/water. And, my husband is not likely to support any more toying with detergents. The Tide I am using is actually contraband that I smuggled into the house after I had insisted we totally switch to Ecover. Only to discover it left a rash on B, who has never had a rash from being in cloth. So, I'm tossing my hat into the ring and hoping to score some detergent that will work well and is more eco-friendly. (The Tide has evil brighteners, enzymes, fragrance, and dyes.)

For details about the giveaway, please visit Banana Peels Diapers' Blog by clicking HERE.

If you do click, you'll discover that this blog entry gives me an extra entry into the contest. A virtual raffle ticket, if you will. Other than that, I have no affiliation with Banana Peels Diapers or any of the detergents I mentioned here. I am too tiny of a blogger to have any sort of corporate influence. But I actually like it that way.

Breastfeeding Against Medical Advice

2010-03-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

Last week I was told by my daughter's pediatrician to stop breastfeeding. Brianna is already on the lean side and had lost a little weight. "You need to stop nursing her. You are keeping her from being hungry for other foods. It is best if you just stop cold turkey - that will be easiest," she said.

This is not the first time Dr. K has told me to stop nursing. The first time was when Brianna was one month old. She kept having blood in her stool and we couldn't figure out why. I had already cut out all forms of dairy, which is the only suggestion Dr. K offered (other than, "If we can't figure this out then you will need to stop breastfeeding. I'm sorry if that bothers you, but it is what you will have to do"). Desperate to continue nursing, I contacted La Leche League for support. "Sounds like a foremilk issue," the web consultant emailed, "Try expressing a little before she feeds." The result? As soon as I expressed before breastfeeding, the issue resolved itself completely.

The second time I was told to stop breastfeeding was when Brianna was twelve months old. No real reason was given, other than she was twelve months old, and Dr. K said, "It's time you stopped breastfeeding. She should drink whole milk now." ("She is drinking whole milk," I thought, "Human whole milk.") At that point, Brianna had moved down the chart slightly, going from the 50th percentile at 9 months to the 15th percentile at 12 months. What happened between her 9 month and 12 month visit? She began solids. Perhaps I should have waited until she was 12 months to start, but she was so ready to begin tasting.

Now Brianna is 18 months, and according to the growth charts from the CDC, she is in the 3rd percentile for weight. She had lost a little weight from being ill (but still weighs more than she did at 12 months). Weight loss in children is always concerning, but considering the fact that she had the Norovirus and threw up for six days, I think losing a few ounces is normal. She grew taller and actually jumped up a few percentiles in height, going from the 50th percentile to the 90th. Her head circumference stayed on track, showing expected growth. In my view, she is growing. She is healthy. And I think she should continue breastfeeding.

While I understand that Dr. K thinks my milk is preventing her from feeling hungry, I disagree. We have been following child-led weaning and Brianna usually wants to nurse before her nap (which is after lunch) and before bed (which is after dinner). She has already had her fill of solid food and is getting additional nutrients and calories through breastfeeding, not less.

When Dr. K told me to stop nursing this week, I have to admit that I did give it consideration. I had to examine whether my desire to continue breastfeeding is hurting my child's growth. After all, to Feed with Love and Respect means that I need to ensure Brianna is getting precisely what her body needs, and I do not want my emotions to interfere with that. This weekend, I tracked when she nursed vs. eating solids, documented foods that she likes, talked with a nurse (who is also a lactation consultant), and looked at Brianna's weight on the World Health Organization's growth charts (instead of the CDC version offered by Dr. K - see here for more information on the difference). In short, I wanted to get a clear picture of what Brianna needs.

I have decided to continue breastfeeding, focus (even more than usual) on giving nutrient-rich healthy-fat solids, and to find another pediatrician. Dr. K has shown that she views breastfeeding as part of the problem and not part of the solution. Sadly, there are probably many doctors like Dr. K who are uneducated about, and not supportive of, breastfeeding. I wonder how many women have simple (or complex) issues related to breastfeeding and are given a sample of formula instead of supportive, accurate advice. With everything we know about the dramatic and powerful effects of breastfeeding, I wonder why there are so few pediatricians that ardently support breastfeeding. If there was a drug that offered children the same enormous, life-long benefits, you can be sure they would know about it and would push it at every visit.

Because of what I know about my daughter and what I know about breastfeeding, I am absolutely confident that I'm doing what is best for her, even though I am nursing her against medical advice.

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

A Paper Pregnancy: Preparing for Adoption

2010-01-15T01:10:00.000-08:00

A Paper Pregnancy: Preparing for Adoption
Or… Birthing From The Heart

“Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting” This is the first of Attachment Parenting International’s (API’s) eight principles, which guide parents toward nurturing connections with their children to encourage healthy development. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But for people choosing to build their family through adoption, this first principle of attachment parenting can hurt. I have heard many adoptive parents comment that they will refuse to pick up a parenting book if it seems to over-emphasize (or thoroughly address) pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding. (But adoptive mamas – you can breastfeed! Click here or check with your local La Leche League, lactation consultant, or breastfeeing-knowledgeable physician for more info!)

Particularly when people are adopting due to infertility, reminders of what have been missed or lost can be so painful that it is just easier to choose another parenting book or website. But please know that API has a great wealth of information and sage advice to encourage and nurture all parents, no matter how they came to be. Visit API’s website or read Attached at the Heart – you will be so glad you did. But for the prospective adoptive families out there, I offer this alternative First Principle:

Prepare for Your Paper Pregnancy, Adoption Journey,
and Your Future Infant/Child

1.) Begin by taking excellent care of yourself. This experience can be the most challenging and rewarding of your life, most likely resulting in you – yes you! – becoming someone’s forever mommy or daddy. Your adoption journey, paper pregnancy, and subsequent parenthood will be forever and irrevocably life changing. You had better be ready for this marathon! Many of the challenges you will face during this journey will be emotional. Prepare your mind to cope with your emotions. Your emotions may run high, they may run low, but run they will. You have, no doubt, heard what a roller coaster ride this experience will be, so you’d better strap on your safety gear.

Seek Support: You will need people who know what you are going through. If you haven’t already, find them now. They will be your cheerleaders, your mentors, your nurturers. Link up with a local support group for adoptive and prospective-adoptive families. If adopting through an agency, request information about local groups. Find an adoptive group on the web. Not only is this a challenging experience, but not everyone understands or supports what you are going through. You will need people who do.

Have a Plan for Powerful Emotions: This is not the time to eat your feelings, shut down, or freak out. Have a plan for how you will cope with the very prominent feelings that emerge while going through the adoption process. Journal, do creative arts, talk, read, get massages - whatever you need to keep focused and clear. Consult with a professional if your emotions are interfering with your life in a significant way.

Manage Your Health: Sometime soon – very soon – you will be responsible for the health and well-being of a little person. In order to do that successfully, you must take good care of yourself first. Eat well, get plenty of rest, take your vitamins, drink lots of water, exercise. Does that sound like advice for an expectant parent? Good, because that expectant parent is you.

2.) Educate Yourself Thoroughly: You need to learn all about your paper pregnancy. Research the adoption laws in your state – utilize a lawyer if needed. Review the people and agencies you may want to work with. Much of the process is completely out of your control, but information is powerful. And, yes, frightening as it may be, learn as much as you can about the infant or child who will become part of your forever family. In most cases, you will have little to no information about your future child. The good news is, neither do expectant biological parents. Take the time to learn about the ages and stages of development for a baby or child within your age-range preferences. Know what to expect, what is typical development, and how to help, soothe, comfort, and care for your future child.

3.) Get Your Home In Order: Chaos breeds chaos; Take the time now to clear clutter, clean deeply, and organize thoroughly. You may not have the time or energy to do this for a few years after your little one arrives, so take the time now. Develop a system for keeping your home and affairs in ship-shape. There are many organizational experts out there – pick a method that suits you.

4.) If You Are A Spiritual Person, Get On Your Knees: Some people have deeply spiritual beliefs, and the adoption experience can either be a test of, or testament to, faith. Your spirituality, if you have it, can help you through this challenging and rewarding time.

5.) Prepare For Parenthood: I have mentioned it before, but it is so important I will mention it again. Know what to expect for the age range of your future baby or child. Know where to find help if you need it. Find a pediatrician who will meet your child’s medical needs. Be realistic and flexible with your expectations for the first days/weeks/months with your child.

Birthing From The Heart: Your future child may not be springing from your loins, but your child will be yours. Just like pregnancy and childbirth take special preparation and education, so does the adoption journey. Take care of yourself, be supported, educated, and organized. A little person somewhere, born or unborn, is depending on you.

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

Unsolicited Advice

2009-10-14T14:09:00.001-07:00

Note: This post is part of the Attachment Parenting Month blog carnival, hosted by Attachment Parenting International. Learn more about how you can stay “Attached at the Heart Through the Years” by visiting API Speaks, the blog of Attachment Parenting International.

Friends of ours are expecting their first baby. I am so excited for them and, like much of the world, can't wait to tell them what to do. Even though I personally dislike unsolicited advice, I somehow feel compelled to share it. Why is that?

Maybe it is because I want to help them avoid mistakes I've made. When I became a new parent, I needed help quickly (we went from being dual-income-no-kids to full-fledged parents in a mere two weeks) and found advice in baby books. The books suggested we "begin with the end in mind" and not hold or carry our baby too much and let her cry-it-out for naps and nighttime once she was "old enough" to not need food at night. She was fed on a semi-schedule because, according to one expert, "if you feed on demand you create a demanding baby." We were assured (through the well-articulated books), that all of this was good for her. She was learning a life skills; how to self-soothe and self-entertain.

When my second child was born, I was fortunate to have stumbled across the Attachment Parenting International website. I eagerly read their eight principles of parenting online and pre-ordered the book, Attached at the Heart. I felt empowered to follow my instincts in parenting and did things very differently with my second child. We held or carried her routinely and not just when she was upset. I had (and still use) two baby carriers to make babywearing (now toddlerwearing) comfortable and convenient. We co-slept. She ate whenever she asked to (we paid attention to early signs of hunger). We did not allow crying for any length of time whatsoever. I wish in my heart of hearts that we would have followed this advice with our first daughter. And for that reason, for that deep regret of not doing it right the first time, I feel powerfully compelled to share advice with expectant parents. Here is what I would say:

- Help your baby learn how to sleep. Some books (and people) push letting an infant cry it out to help them learn to sleep independently. By contrast, I've learned that co-sleeping does teach a baby how to sleep. Babies need to learn the rhythms of sleep before they can be expected to do it independently. I think sleep learning is similar to learning to eat: I didn't stick a steak in front of my newborn's face and expect her to just learn how to eat. (To me, saying, "If that baby is tired enough, she'll learn how to sleep." is the same as saying, "If that baby is hungry enough, she'll learn how to eat that steak.") Instead, we feed (nurse, bottle nurse, or formula feed) newborns and infants, we model eating, we scaffold support as their ability to handle food increases - in short, we use developmental readiness to guide the nutritive choices we use to nourish our children. We should do the same with sleeping.

I don't think it is any accident that my first daughter (left alone in her crib) had her days and nights flip-flopped and seemed to be awake at night. I think that, as a newborn, she was programmed to be on-alert and vigilant when separated from warm, cozy parents. During the day when she was with me, she felt safe enough to rest. At the time, I couldn't figure out why she had nights and days mixed up. 20/20 hindsight, right?!

When I began co-sleeping, part of me was afraid that I was setting us all up for failure; that she would need me all the time to sleep and I would never see my husband again. Instead I have found that she can (and does) sleep well on her own, though at this time she still needs help getting to sleep. She falls asleep around 7:30 p.m., I am able to leave her in her own room while I catch up in the evening, I fall asleep in my own room, and then I go to her and co-sleep the rest of the night after she wakes up the first time. The routine will change as her needs change, but so far co-sleeping has really worked for us. Plus, I get the amazing chance to watch her drift off to sleep and be with her as she starts to stir in the morning. Bliss.

- Consider Babywearing: People will warn you that carrying your baby/toddler too much will result in a clingy, spoiled child. I have to disagree. In my opinion, babies have a biological and developmental need for closeness, and if it is met, they readily move on to the next developmental phase. If babies do not have this developmental need for closeness and proximity met, they will continue to express a need for this until it has been satisfied. Our second child was held as a matter of routine, and not just when she was upset. Instead of creating a spoiled monster, as I was warned I was doing, I was helping her feel secure and confident. Now that both of my children are toddlers, I hold, cuddle, and carry them as often as they'd like, but I also respect their need for exploring and play.

One of my life's greatest regrets is that I did not practice Attachment Parenting with my first child. But when you know better, you do better. Now that I know Attachment Parenting is what works for my family, I will continue to use it. The wonderful thing about Attachement Parenting is that it is not limited to parenting newborns, infants, or even toddlers. It is a style of parenting that is beneficial and respectful to families with children of all ages. Although my first daughter did not have the benefit of parents who practiced Attachment Parentng, she does now. It is never too late to begin.

Collecting

2009-09-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

Both of my girls have a most favorite and treasured toy: a small tot-sized stroller. I originally only purchased one (oh horrors of horrors) and had to put it away until I could bring home another. (The tragedy and adversity of having one stroller and two girls who want it is something I choose not to experience ever again.) This toy is almost magical in the way it will keep them moving and happy. Sometimes they roll right next to each other, other times they roll in line, laughing gleefully either way. And even though the label clearly indicates not to, my children have, on occasion, sat in it while the other pushed them around the house. This little toy is well worth the $8.

An interesting behavior has also emerged with the strollers. As they wheel around the house, they pick up various objects and stash them in the stroller's seat. They collect. Sometimes their selections are obvious, like a baby doll, for example. Other times, their selections are more curious. Books have made it into the stroller, as have blocks, boxes and tractors. I realize that they are collecting objects that have meaning or are interesting. Because of their age, the choices as the simplistic and fleeting. Today the purple cube and the green frog might be preferred, but tomorrow's essentials could be Tupperware from the kitchen and a sock puppet.

I realized that someday what they value will be more permanent. And things that I say and do every day send them messages about what has value and what does not. I hope to raise loving, compassionate children who respect God, the earth, and all humanity. I want them to know deeply that things are replaceable and people are not. Watching them collect their little trinkets and toys has been an illuminating experience for me. I am struck by the awesome responsibility I have as their mother. In the future, I wonder, what will they be carrying in their hearts?

Only the Lonely

2009-09-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

One of the blogs I follow, The Mommy Revolution, had a recent posting about Loneliness. As a stay-at-home mom - and actually, more likely, simply as an American - I have also had bouts of loneliness. Today the first adult I actually spoke to was my husband at 5:30 at night. Ten and a half hours of my day were spent in virtual isolation. I went many places - to Target, the mall, the Post Office, and an art studio, but none of these places had opportunities for true interaction. Of course, I talk with my children all day long, but since they are both pre-verbal, that conversation is very one-sided. Even my conversation with my husband felt a little one-sided tonight. He has been talking to people all day long and was probably looking forward to a moment's peace. I, on the other hand, have had no meaningful adult interaction today and was bubbling over with topics to discuss.

Americans on the whole seem pretty deprived of interaction. John Bul Dau (one of Sudan's Lost Boys) commented on his surprise at seeing the great disconnect between generations and between neighbors in his book God Grew Tired of Us. He was surprised to find how much Americans hide out in their homes instead of joining their friends, neighbors, and family for fun and stories in the evenings. Of particular concern to Dau was the isolation among families. "America's greatest weakness, I believe, lies in how it has drifted from the love of a family" (p. 279). "By separating the generations of a family, the circle of life gets broken" (p. 280).

We tweet, we check email obsessively, we update our Facebook status, we check our cell phones for calls or text messages, and yes we even blog. There seems to be an innate need for human connection and interaction. In some ways, the digital revolution has been powerful in getting people connected who would have never known each other before. In other ways, it seems to counter or interfere with connecting in the "real world." And I'm with John Bul Dau - I hope we can reunite the generations.

But until then, what can we do about it? For myself, I contacted a mommy friend I know, hoping to meet up with her this week. Although...I'm not sure if she has responded yet. I have to check my email.

All in a Day's Work

2009-08-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the hamster, running in its wheel all day, going nowhere. So today I decided to keep track of the things I actually accomplish which tend to go unnoticed because, well, they are done.
- Sorted, washed, dried, folded/hung, put away four loads of laundry
- Fed two very young children three meals and three snacks.
- Cleaned up after the meals and snacks.
- Cleaned up the children after the meals and snacks.
- Let the dog out, and in, and out, and in, and out, and in.
- Fed and watered the dog and cat.
- Changed kitty litter.
- Took each child's full Diaper Genie sleeve to the trash.
- Brought paperboard and cardboard to the recycling center (we do not have curbside recycling service) with the two children in tow.
- Mailed a package for a friend at the post office (the children still in tow).
- Shopped for string-free shades at Home Depot (yes, with the children - they "drove" the giant orange cart with steering wheels).
- Put away clean dishes from the dishwasher (while preventing two children from climbing in and on the dishwasher door).
- Attempted to make myself somewhat attractive and presentable for my husband (note I said attempted; I don't want to know how well I succeeded).
- Cleaned kitchen counters (the floors will have to wait...)
- Sorted the mail.
- Prepared dinner (with a day like this, leftovers were in order).
- And of course: Entertained two very young children alone from 7 am - 5:30 pm. Took the children to the park this afternoon.
- Cleaned up from entertaining the children.
- Dressed and diapered two very young children. Many times each.

...and all of this (except for the third meal) was before my husband got home at 5:30. This evening, he commented that he was totally exhausted and drained from spending two hours with the little ones (I'd like to point out here that I was still there - he had help! And he wasn't trying to get anything else done!). He said he could never, ever do what I do. That was nice to hear. But at the moment I am very, very tired. Now if only I could figure out why I can't fall asleep...

Great, amazing book

2009-08-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a book just falls into your lap and, after reading it, you are changed forever. That happened to me this week with the book There is No Me Without You by Melissa Fay Greene.

The book follows the true story of an Ethiopian woman, Haregewoin Teferra, who finds herself caring for increasing numbers of orphaned children. She was one of the few safety nets catching children who lost their parents to AIDS. Informative chapters about the AIDS crisis in Africa are seamlessly integrated into the story, including its origins, stigma, and solutions.

The story is so compelling you will devour the book quickly. This is not a book you will read and forget. You will be a different person pre- and post-book. I plan on starting a "pass it on" book where I give it to a friend who gives it to a friend and so on. In the back of the book I am going to paste a bookplate where people can record what they plan to do in the short- and long-term after finishing the book. I would not want to meet the person who could read this book and then do nothing.

My short-term goal has already been met - we began sponsoring an Ethiopian family. (And not through a cheesy infomercial, but through a reputable agency.) While this couldn't even be called a drop in the bucket, it is still important nevertheless. I am reminded of the story about the man throwing starfish back into the ocean. His friend asks, "Why would you do this when there are thousands of starfish on the beach? It won't make a difference!" As he throws a starfish into the ocean, he answers, "It matters to this one."

I'm not certain what my long-term goal is. I have several things I am considering, but I can't decide. Perhaps I'll have to do them all. One idea was to (in the future - we couldn't do it now) adopt an orphaned child from Ethiopia. While removing a child from their country of origin is something that should only be done as a drastic measure, when no other options exist within their homeland, the AIDS crisis in Africa has produced literally millions of orphaned children. Drastic times call for drastic measures. A second idea is to involve our church in the mission and connect with an orphanage and/or medical clinic to send necessary supplies and resources.

Are there any missions that are near and dear to your heart? What are the books you have read that have literally changed your life forever? I'd love to read your thoughts.

Hair!

2009-07-13T19:47:00.001-07:00

OK - so I have never seen the musical, but lately I have been obsessed with hair. My children's, of course.

Brianna's hairline smells like the sea. Not the sharp smell of the beach at low tide, but rather the scent of a clear ocean on a bright summer day as the sea spray muddles with the sunlight. It is long enough for a little Dr. Seuss ponytail on top, but curled and fluffy on the sides. Caring for it requires a wash with each bath and a comb-through here and there. It is so wispy that it often looks wild, but will smooth easily with the palm of my hand.

Sophia's hair smells sweet - like hay or sweet grass. It is soft and puffy and a gorgeous shade of raven black. It boings out of her scalp like millions of tiny springs. Taking good care of it has taken a learning curve. Books, internet searches, and a salon consultation have brought me somewhat up-to-speed. I'm sure I will need to continue to learn as her hair changes and the styles come and go. But here is what I have learned so far. (Note: If the following information is incorrect or requires further clarification, I hope you will leave a comment. I'm a white woman who has experience with only my daughter's hair. Because hair comes in a wide range of types, textures, and curls, each person's requires individualized, specialized care.) Here is what has worked for my daughter's hair so far:

We wash her hair every two weeks with baby shampoo unless her hair gets dirty in between washings. (She has a panache for rubbing yogurt or applesauce in her hair.)

In between wash times, when she has a bath, we wet it and condition it.

Every day, her hair gets combed through thoroughly to keep it untangled. To make this process smooth, we wet it first with a 4:1 ratio of water:olive oil in a spray bottle. Then we use a leave-in conditioning creme or a spray conditioner and detangler. The brand we like so far is "Soft and Beautiful: Just for Me." It smells delicious and leaves her hair soft, shiny, and easy to comb. To comb out the hair, we use a wide-toothed comb and gently comb, starting at the ends and working in toward the scalp. When that comb glides easily through, we use a slightly finer-toothed-comb to give it a second sweep through, starting at the ends and working in.

After her hair has been combed through, we either leave it or put it into "poofs." (When she is older and her hair is longer, we will try braids and twists but she isn't - or maybe we aren't - quite ready for those yet.) To do the poofs, we use the end of a rattail comb to part her hair and then a comb to draw it together. We use tiny rubber bands to hold the poofs (keeping careful watch on them because they are choking hazards!). At that point, we either tie a ribbon into a bow over the poofs or secure the poofs with a barrette. (We've found that the barrettes from Gymboree leave ample room for a poof and rubber band but still hold securely and gently.)

At the end of the day, we take her hair out of the rubber bands to avoid tension alopecia (baldness from having hair tight too often). It is easiest just to cut the rubber band with a little scissor (and throw it away! Little rubber bands are choking hazards.) and then comb through gently.

This is what we've learned so far. Someday I will know how to do braids and twists, but for now my elementary knowledge of how to care for my daughter's beautiful hair is sufficient. I'll be sure to post when I've learned some new styles. And I welcome any advice you may have!

My First Kiss

2009-06-30T23:01:00.001-07:00

Today my toddler gave me one of the sweetest, most unexpected gifts. We were sitting on the floor, reading a book when she turned to me with scrunched up lips and made a "bbbbbwwwwa" noise. It took me a second to realize she wasn't just blowing raspberries. She wanted a kiss! I gave her a mommy "mmmmwa" and she happily turned back to her book. How she suddenly decided she needed a kiss, and how she chose a method to get one, I don't think I will ever know. But I DO think this is one of those moments that you remember forever. It is so cute that she couldn't quite get the "mmmwa" sound and instead replaced it with her own, "bbbbbwwwa" (imagine a raspberry with more focus). Positively delightful.

The N Word

2009-05-08T20:43:00.000-07:00

Although I try to focus here on the "lovely problems" I have as a mom, there is actually nothing lovely about this one. Yesterday at the park, a little boy called my daughter a "n----r." She was swinging on the swings, laughing and enjoying the sunshine and play. A little boy was nearby on the swings and began to call out to us, "Hey n----r, hey n----r, hey n----r." I literally could not believe my ears and thought they must be deceiving me. The boy could not have been older than kindergarten. I took my sunglasses off and looked directly at him, using my meanest teacher glare. He called out again, "Hey n----r, hey n----r." My heart dropped into my stomach and I marched right up to him. "What did you say? Because I think I heard you say something you should NOT say."

He slid down the slide and ran from me, but stayed close enough to be in earshot. I returned to my daughters and began pushing them on the swings again. He cowered behind a toy and looked at us. "Hey n----r, hey n----r, hey n----r." My blood began to boil. Again, I walked up to him. This time I was more firm. "You should NOT say that word. Is your mom or dad here? Because I need to talk to them." He pointed to a man sitting nearby wearing headphones. As I walked to approach him, the tears began to come.

"Is there a problem?" the father asked me. "Yes," I sobbed, "your son just called my daughter a n----r." The words choked out of my throat and I felt the tears streaming down my face. I tried to wipe the tears with my sleeve but they were coming too quickly. I covered my mouth with my hands to hide my agonized expression. The dad looked upset. He stammered something - I don't know what it was. Maybe "oh crap" or "goddamn it" - something to that effect. He called his son over, yelling, "Get over here!" He yelled a little more but I honestly don't remember what he said. I do remember the father telling the son to apologize and the son saying sorry. Just that. "Sorry." The father walked the son away from the park.

No one can really prepare you for how you will feel or what you will do when your child - your little 18 month old baby - is called "n----r." We did take classes in transracial parenting and have read several volumes on the topic. We belong to an internet group of adoptive families, largely made up of transracial families. The social worker who coordinated our adoption gave us a smattering of advice about parenting a black child. But nowhere do I remember hearing, seeing, or reading someone saying, "Here is what you do when your child is called a n----r." Topics tend to focus on hair care, maintaining connections to culture, creating a culturally diverse home, and increasing your child's cultural comfort and competence. Racism was dealt with in a couple of books and at a workshop, but the topic was glossed over.

So here I am. My beautiful baby is sleeping blissfully. For now her concerns are exactly the same as every other happy, healthy toddler. "Do I want up or down? Do I want milk or juice? Do I want to play with the doll or the walrus? Am I done or do I want more? When do I get to go outside?" But the countdown is on. She may already notice that people pay her lots of attention. She might notice that her skin is a different shade than most people here (but won't realize that is permanent until she is much older). Soon she will have to face questions and concerns that white children never have to ponder. And I will have to be ready to help her.

My Favorite Parenting Books

2009-04-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

Out of the many parenting books I have read, I have two favorites.

Attached at the Heart by Barbara Nicholson & Lysa Parker

and

The Stay-at-Home Survival Guide by Melissa Stanton

I have read many, many parenting books over the years (although my kids are still young, we started out amassing our how-to-parent library when we were foster parents). These two are my most favorite and treasured because they have been the most helpful to me as a parent. I can't imagine what I would have done without either one of them!

Attached at the Heart gives compassionate advice for (mostly new) parents. The book is organized around "8 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children." It is by the founders of Attachment Parenting International (www.attachmentparenting.org) and therefore aims to give families tools to raised secure, attached children. I have treasured the resources and research in this book. You can find Attached at the Heart here.

The Stay-at-Home Survival Guide is, in my view, a must-have for every stay-at-home parent. Melissa Stanton (reallifesupportformoms.blogspot.com) doles out generous amounts of compassion (because stay-at-home parenting is HARD!) along with sensible, creative advice. The chapters are clearly organized in such a way that it is easy for an on-the-go parent to read areas that are of the most interest (or need), and there are nice "survival tips" in clearly marked boxes throughout the text. You can find The Stay-at Home Survival Guide here.

I'd love to hear about your favorite parenting books! Please share!

Little Ones, Little Things

2009-04-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I have had a bit of an obsession with baby clothes. It all started when a friend of mine shared her cloth diaper web album. She loves sharing about cloth diapering and started taking photos of her favorite diapers and folding techniques. It was something she thought she would miss when her children got older so she wanted to have the photos for memory. That got me thinking about the baby things I would miss when my girls are older...and I decided it would be their little clothes. Tiny shoes, kimono onesies, little snaps, decorative stitching, delicate buttons, gorgeous prints - to name a few. So I started taking pictures of my favorite decorative elements, clothes, and shoes. Here are a few of my favorites.

Two babies, nine months apart

2009-04-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

I have titled this blog "A lovely problem to have" because we have two children who are very close in age. Although many people see our family and tell us, "You must be so busy!" or "I can't imagine how you do it all!" we feel that we are so fortunate to have a family. Yes, there are sleepless nights, many diaper changes, and clever balancing acts to meet the needs of two very young children...but I would much rather have these issues than to not have them at all.

This is how we got here:

My husband and I tried for almost seven years to have a family. We went to doctors, had tests, took medications, had more tests, tried IUIs and even more medications. We reached a point where the next step would be IVF. Because IVF is so expensive and does not guarantee results, we decided to pursue adoption. More than anything else, we wanted to be parents. A biological connection was not necessary. We knew this because, near the end of that (almost) seven year experience, we had a foster daughter. She was in our home for a year and a half. We would have loved to adopt her, but she was reunified with her birthfather. This was crushing, but the experience showed us how deeply and fully we could love someone who was not of our own creation.

In the fall of 2007, we began our adoption journey with a private, domestic, non-profit adoption agency. We endured medical exams, financial statements, letters from friends and our pastor, home visits, and lots of paperwork. By November, we were matched with an expectant mother who was considering an adoption plan. That same month, I had surgery to remove what appeared to be a dermoid cyst on one ovary. The tissue turned out to be nothing more than scar tissue. Four days later, our first daughter was born. To our complete joy and surprise, her birthmother selected us to be her parents. Exactly one month after the birth of our first daugher, we found out that we were expecting a second.

Our daughters are nine months and four days apart. Having two so close in age has its challenges, of course. But we are grateful for both experiences and feel very fortunate to have a family. Finally.