The N Word

Although I try to focus here on the "lovely problems" I have as a mom, there is actually nothing lovely about this one. Yesterday at the park, a little boy called my daughter a "n----r." She was swinging on the swings, laughing and enjoying the sunshine and play. A little boy was nearby on the swings and began to call out to us, "Hey n----r, hey n----r, hey n----r." I literally could not believe my ears and thought they must be deceiving me. The boy could not have been older than kindergarten. I took my sunglasses off and looked directly at him, using my meanest teacher glare. He called out again, "Hey n----r, hey n----r." My heart dropped into my stomach and I marched right up to him. "What did you say? Because I think I heard you say something you should NOT say."

He slid down the slide and ran from me, but stayed close enough to be in earshot. I returned to my daughters and began pushing them on the swings again. He cowered behind a toy and looked at us. "Hey n----r, hey n----r, hey n----r." My blood began to boil. Again, I walked up to him. This time I was more firm. "You should NOT say that word. Is your mom or dad here? Because I need to talk to them." He pointed to a man sitting nearby wearing headphones. As I walked to approach him, the tears began to come.

"Is there a problem?" the father asked me. "Yes," I sobbed, "your son just called my daughter a n----r." The words choked out of my throat and I felt the tears streaming down my face. I tried to wipe the tears with my sleeve but they were coming too quickly. I covered my mouth with my hands to hide my agonized expression. The dad looked upset. He stammered something - I don't know what it was. Maybe "oh crap" or "goddamn it" - something to that effect. He called his son over, yelling, "Get over here!" He yelled a little more but I honestly don't remember what he said. I do remember the father telling the son to apologize and the son saying sorry. Just that. "Sorry." The father walked the son away from the park.

No one can really prepare you for how you will feel or what you will do when your child - your little 18 month old baby - is called "n----r." We did take classes in transracial parenting and have read several volumes on the topic. We belong to an internet group of adoptive families, largely made up of transracial families. The social worker who coordinated our adoption gave us a smattering of advice about parenting a black child. But nowhere do I remember hearing, seeing, or reading someone saying, "Here is what you do when your child is called a n----r." Topics tend to focus on hair care, maintaining connections to culture, creating a culturally diverse home, and increasing your child's cultural comfort and competence. Racism was dealt with in a couple of books and at a workshop, but the topic was glossed over.

So here I am. My beautiful baby is sleeping blissfully. For now her concerns are exactly the same as every other happy, healthy toddler. "Do I want up or down? Do I want milk or juice? Do I want to play with the doll or the walrus? Am I done or do I want more? When do I get to go outside?" But the countdown is on. She may already notice that people pay her lots of attention. She might notice that her skin is a different shade than most people here (but won't realize that is permanent until she is much older). Soon she will have to face questions and concerns that white children never have to ponder. And I will have to be ready to help her.